undefining myself

undefining myself

my goal in life is to lose my identity; i wish to be undefinable

i want to loose myself of all defining characteristics, policies, styles, ways of being, ways of thinking

this morning
after looking at and reading about Erika Hart
she is a young, curvy, full-figured Black woman who had a double mastectomy
she appears in public bare chested on a regular basis
i love her
she is bold
she recently posed for a photo reminiscent of Grace Jones
in which she is naked, holding a magic wand vibrator like a microphone
holding her strong body in king dancer pose (natarajasana, in sanskrit)
it's wonderful

this morning
after spending time looking at and thinking about Erika Hart last night
i decided to do my too brief yoga practice topless
and since i've practiced yoga with no mirror for over 20 years
i've begun practicing yoga before my mirror
so, topless and i can see myself as i move around
my breasts fed three humans
so they dangle and hang and sag
and they're tiny so i'm often braless with no consequences
and my nipples sag because they participated in the human feeding process
so topless yoga
i'm going to continue to do this

it's empowering
it's one more way that i can say
"love yrslf goddamnit!"
fuck

i wish to be undefinable
because anything else is beginning to feel like confinement
and i refuse to be in a self-imposed jail cell any longer
that's what we do to ourselves
follow rules
even if our rules are not our mommy and daddy's rules
or our boss's rules
or our friend's rules
or our girlfriend's rules
or our boyfriend's rules
i see people all around me following their made up, arbitrary rules
expecting others to do the same
follow other's rules
just fall in line
but i act weird on a regular basis
for fun
for kicks
but mostly just because i'm me and i don't know any better
i sometimes catch myself on somebody else's rule wavelength
and i feel them expecting me to act in a way that makes them comfortable
this happens so often, that the specific context is negligible
it's so prevalent
i often disappoint in this game
i define myself
i define my rules
and i set all that up to be broken
shattered
over and over again
i will not satisfy this expectation
to play by your rules
whoever you are
you will always be disappointed

but when someone comes along
who takes my refusal to follow
not as disappointing, but as refreshing
that's someone i'll keep around
i'm coming up shorthanded on this one lately
not empty handed, but sure as fuck shorthanded

and it's my fault
because you know how you want someone to be what you want them to be?
but they won't because they're not?
and then you know how you get disappointed about this, or try to make them be different?
yeah, i'm done with that shit
you be you
so i can be me
and most of you
i'll keep a healthy distance

i enjoy this song

death and being alive

death and being alive

my grandfather died a year ago yesterday

my grandfather died a year ago yesterday