hermit in public

hermit in public

the way i'm approaching editing this academic essay i'm working on is like a study being presented on my problematic mental practices, habits, behaviors. i keep putting it off. i turn away from it so hard. i detest it. it is an object that comes from so much thought and research and work and now i hate it. i do not want anything to do with it. i am groundless. aimless. i feel urges to share my minuscule progress, or my lingering disdain, in a word, in a message, in a social network post, here's what i've been doing, it's not much. i squash those urges. because why do i have them. why do i want to interrupt my personal intellectual work and communicate something publicly. why is that a thing that i feel. i like evolution. i don't think i'm done evolving. so i ask myself questions. i challenge myself to be different, do better. sometimes it's not better, just different.

i want to be or do something different everyday. i do not want to be stuck in who i am. i do not want to be stuck in performing who i am just because that might feel safer or it's what's expected. i want to be different everyday. and i don't want to perform something different everyday. i want to be different every day. right now today that seems easy. 

it's like i'm a hermit who leaves her house for a few social responsibilities and engagements, but my interactions with other people has dwindled to such a minimum, purposely, that i feel close to being a hermit. it's cool. i have three kids and a favorite coffee shop that i visit, and a part time job that involves a lot of talking with a lot of different people. so a hermit in that context. whatever the fuck that means. and we go to parkour. lately friday night, right now, is spent at the parkour place. all three guys do it! they're adorable. a hermit in public. that's what i am today. it's like i said to myself, watch what happens when i do this, and then i pushed the button that makes you lose a bunch of friends and derail yourself from any career path plans you may have thought you had. watch what happens when i read this book by a white female buddhist about losing your footing in life, about letting things fall away, fall apart, so that you become groundless. i didn't even submit my proposal about Black music and protest in Detroit to the ethnomusicology conference. they pushed back the deadline to feb 22 and i forgot about it until today, feb 24. i don't even care about ethnomusicology. and i'm comfortable with that. i don't even feel remorse that i forgot. i don't feel like i'm doing anything wrong by not giving a fuck. 

why did she tell me to be groundless again?

she said it would be stressful, i remember that.

the idea is to let go of your attachments and expectations. have no expectations. no attachments. relieve yourself of the past and recognize that the future never exists. become groundless. it's a bold project. because it's scary. i want to face my fears and live in bounty. 

i just deleted a paragraph. it didn't make sense. a hermit in public. i'm constructing my igloo as i write. bricks up around me. 

 

 

 

my grandfather died a year ago yesterday

my grandfather died a year ago yesterday

That's Some Beautiful Art In Detroit

That's Some Beautiful Art In Detroit