My Mind Is As Big As The Universe Because The Universe Is As Big As My Mind

My Mind Is As Big As The Universe Because The Universe Is As Big As My Mind

this one time, when i was a kid, my abusive father and my mother who couldn't/wouldn't protect me brought me so much stress and trauma that my response became purging it literally by becoming severely nauseated and vomiting repeatedly for hours. emotional purging. this is not regular. this is not normal. my mom was worried and got me a little bit of reflexology care. but i kept doing it for years. this is emotional disorder in response to intense childhood stress. i didn't vomit because i used my hand to make myself. i got sick because i got sick and for some reason i got rid of it that way. 

i finally understand this as one way my dad kept me small. he kept me in a state of trauma and reaction to trauma. and then by being abusive with his body, his mouth, his mind, he kept me in a state of profound deep physical weakness. i stopped getting sick like that a little while before are dad got kicked out for good by are mom. 

when i decided to write about this and at the same time imagined people reading about this, i freaked out in my brain and then it spread around my body because energy. i still feel freaked out hours later. why am i scared and disturbed about sharing this experience when my dad is the one who should be feeling terrified of his own thoughts his own memories his own mind and body because he did this he did this and he never gets to come back from it. 

he did this and he never gets to come back from taking MY life into his weak whiny baby boy hands and telling me what to do with it keeping me small 

healing the root chakra involves chanting the mantra aloud or in yr head the idea that you are safe you are safe in the world. my dad hurt me and my mom didn't save me until it was too late and now i have to put in extra work to know that i can have whatever i need. that i am safe and grounded and safe. in my world.

 

i hate my father. and i still love my mother very much. and i will never love my father 

because i hate my father

i played capoeira in NYC in college. my mestra was the only mestra, in the world. edna lima. i looked up to her and loved her. she nicknamed me CALADINHA. little quiet girl.

that's how i looked to a powerful woman when i was nineteen. she taught me how to be a fighter.

all women have someone strong to look up to. sometimes you have to look a while or maybe you have to find a goddess or a girl with magic, but we all require women to look up to

most of my mentors have been Brown and Black women. all of them powerful, strong,

 

smart as fuck in so many ways

 

and generous with knowledge. i'm grateful

the job description for RISE ABOVE, and also for I RISE, because i'm never doin just one thing at a time, does not include being quiet.

when i had a boyfriend in college in nyc, he was an afro brazilian man. i learned to speak brazilian portuguese. his aunt who lived high in an apartment building near harlem fed us very well and together, they taught me how to cook without really trying to teach me how to cook. the relationship was full of co dependency and yelling and blame and not very much trust. it was the best sex. his girlfriend in brazil before he moved to nyc was an older woman who knew how to talk about sex. boi, was i grateful for her. and i was young, relatively, for havin the best sex. nineteen. i was blessed with the best sex so far. so i got to live my adult life knowin what the best sex so far is like and what the best sex could be like with the best man. that's pretty cool. that in the middle of some stressful shit, i brought myself the best sex so far so that i wouldn't accept bullshit. cause i'm here very near peri menopause and single as a muther fucker knowin that so far every man that i actually know is solidly in the friend zone. and i'm pleased as punch with that shit.

i said the best man up there. fuck soul mates. i do mean the best man for me, but i've known and loved and mated with some souls, and i loved them when i loved them and i don't love any of them like that any more. so no pressure. it's cool. because the man that i want to run parallel to will likely be a good sex match.

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Look At Time Differently

Look At Time Differently